by Annie Evett

Especially with first babies, women can have a tendency to make their baby the centre of their universe. This often leaves little time to focus on, or be with their partner. This drought in every day intimacy and attention flows on to a coital hiatus. Nature, it seems, planned on this to ensure that babies are well looked after and future pregnancies are spaced out.

The ‘drought’ can come from either partner and the disinterest in sex and intimacy, stems from a number of issues and conditions, which sadly is not discussed by even the closest of friends, much less the medical fraternity or the media. It may be through the rollercoaster of hormones pulsing through the womans body after birthing, and landing unsettled and unbalanced – causing low libido. Its possible the physical and emotional strain of caring for a young child is taking the toll on both your good natures, leaving little time for intimacy and closeness you shared before your baby came along. The financial strain, the unsettled feelings stemming from unexplored roles as a parent and the sheer exhaustion from being a new parent all contribute to the lack of intimacy and sex within a relationship. .The return to sexual intimacy needs to be in your own good time and not to rush it. Its important to make space and time to care and nurture yourself – something that as a new parent seems as easy as to fly to the moon. Lastly, the importance of including and communicating with your partner in paramount.

Everyone’s experiences make them an expert in their own right - so what is right for one couple may not be appropriate for another. Most couples wait for the magical 6 week mark and are dreadfully disappointed when that incredible pre birth sex doesn’t happen. The physical facts are that within six weeks of birthing, your uterus should be back to its pre-pregnancy weight and size. Breastfeeding assists in stimulating the hormones released around this function. This is the reason that you are meant to have a six week check up and then are medically are ‘fit’ to commence intimate relations. Ignored and unaddressed are the emotional and psychological changes that have occurred.

I have had 2 children, birthing them naturally. With the first one, I was so devastated, shocked and horrified at my experience and unprepared for the hormonal and bodily changes, that I was really uninterested in sex or being even close to my partner for months afterwards - even though I did have sex at that six week mark - to please my husband. However, with the birth of my daughter, I was in a much better space, prepared and ready and was ready to go within a week. I was relaxed and in control of my emotions, hormones and took the time to nurture and honour my space.

You do not have to be a new parent to be feeling these things or to recognize that the importance of your children has slowly replaced the importance of the relationship with your partner. Most couples do not plan to live separate lives, but once set adrift, often existing in separate time zones due to feeds and work schedules, it is easy to allow that drift to take you to a state of complacently. It takes courage to recognize that you do not want to be part of the statistics and to reconnect with your partner. This will not happen over night and you may encounter great resistance – both from yourself and from your partner. Endure and be tenacious…

It all depends I guess, on your birth experience and the trauma or the empowerment ( physically and mentally) that you have experienced and the meanings you place upon those experiences in relation to sex. My advice is to keep an open and honest communication link with your partner and take things slowly – with little pressure – and connect again with yourself as a sensual being, before attempting to touch another.

If you found this article helpful, considering purchasing our eBook "Reclaim Sex After Birth."