The issue of the place and acceptance of masturbation within a partnership has been a regular query within relationship forums.

 Especially after birthing, attitudes to sex can vary widely. The sexual nature of birth cannot be denied as birthing not only brings a new life into the world, it can also awaken feelings and emotions which have been hidden or ignored in both partners. Any sexual issues, problems or fears can often be highlighted by the experience of birth.  Masturbation within a relationship can be viewed  in a number of ways. If one partner undertakes this in private and exclusive to the presence of the other partner, this may be viewed and undertaken with guilt, disgust and embarrassment.  These feelings can be exasperated with new feelings of inadequacy as a new parent, low body self esteem and exhaustion for both or either parent.

Fifty years ago, if you masturbated you ran the “threat” of going blind. Its now come the full circle and in some groups if you don’t masturbate you are seen as odd or not fully open to all the sexual possibilities available. Although not openly spoken of within most social circles, references on mainstream shows such as Sex and the City all point to the apparent normality in the use of sex toys or manual (using just your hands) masturbation. Because of the lack of clear and open communication between couples and within social circles, feelings of incompetence can arise through lack of knowledge, acceptance and experience in these areas.

The place of Masturbation.

The Reality of Extended Masturbation

A real orgasm is reached when your body reaches a sexual peak, endorphins are released into your blood stream thought the stimulation of multiple senses. With masturbation, your body experiences a hollow sexual release as not all of the senses are activated. There are some researchers who go as far as saying that men and women who masturbate for an extended time, can no longer reach an orgasm with a partner.

For men, extended masturbation conditions the penis to the feeling of a hand. Compared to the softness, irregular and independent feedback loop of a vagina there is a loss of sexual sensation as they now require the tightness and pressure that is applied consciously by a hand.

Women who have trained themselves to respond to their own hands or toys sometimes find it impossible to respond to a penis as they simply do not so what a battery operated light flashing, wriggling vibrator with its interchangeable parts and speed dials; will do.

Masturbation after Birthing

For most women, resuming penetrative vaginal sex is around the 6 week mark as most women are physically ‘fit’ after a natural birth. (that is if you birthed naturally and with little or no tears.. if you have a c section or had extensive tearing and stitches,  then the time will be pushed out and dependant upon the mothers health, diet, stress levels and recovery) Some couples consider anal sex as an alternative to penetrative vaginal sex. ( see the full article and findings here) This time frame could also be utilized when thinking of the safest time to resuming manual and mutual masturbation.  Physically at the six week mark,  your uterus will be back to a 'normal' size ( again dependant upon hormones, breastfeeding or not etc) and are medically are ‘fit’ to commence intimate relations. Generally speaking, oral sex and sex toys should be avoided until full healing has occurred.

Masturbation within a relationship - right or wrong?

More than anything, keeping sex alive in a relationship is dependent on both partners making a commitment to do so. The place of masturbation within the sacred space of that couples intimacy needs to be communicated about; with both parties coming to agreeance and comfort of one one another’s perceptions and requirements surrounding it. Explore these experiences together, spice up your relationship and discover new ways of pleasuring one another – should this be an avenue you both wish to pursue.