by Annie Evett & Jodi Cleghorn

Most couples wait for the magical six week mark and are dreadfully disappointed when that incredible pre birth sex doesn’t happen. The physical facts are that six weeks after birthing, the uterus should be back to its pre-pregnancy weight and size. Breastfeeding assists in stimulating the hormones released around this function. The six week check up that most women attend with a midwife or a doctor, is to check that a woman's uterus has retracted, bleeding has stopped and tears or incisions have healed. Many women are simply asked if everything is 'back to normal' without their medical practioner actually looking them or physically checking.  Much more attention is given to discussing contraception rather than discussing concerns or worries about returning to an active sex life.

Women are then declared to be medically are ‘fit’ and ready to commence intimate relations. Ignored and unaddressed are the emotional and psychological changes that women have undergone occurred. While many women feel empowered, other women are left feeling shocked and traumatised after birth. On top of this a woman's role has changed from lover to mother and many find it hard to accept that they can be both.  Women may also for the first time in their adult lives be out of the paid workforce, be more socially isolated and have doubts about their abilities to mother. 

Research shows that women who have suffered physical trauma from birth are more likely to suffer from painful sex in the months and sometimes years after birth. Painful sex is one reason why women do not want to have sex. This can be the result of local and generalised pain, a lack of lubricatoin, no feeling or too much feeling, badly repaired incisions and tears. Many women are also ashamed of the changes in their vagina, labia and perineum - they may have been stitched too tight, have skin tags, scars, nerve damage or simply worry that they are not 'tight' like they used to be. 

New mothers need an opportunity to reconnect with themselves, come to terms with their new body and rediscover themselves as a sensual beings. This before venturing back into exploring intimacy and sexual closeness with a partner and enjoying sex like it used to. 

To ease the transition back into an active sex life:

Plan for an undisturbed birth
Choose a location (preferrably birth centre or home), care provider (continuity of care with a midwife or support of a doula) and  birth positions (ones that work with gravity and not against it - ie not on your back) that supports this.  All three of these will minimises the likelihood of an episitomy and trauma to the vagina, labia, perineum and anus requiring stitches. Make an intact perineum a priority! An empowering birth puts a woman in the best position to deal with the rigours of motherhood and helps to cement a couple's relationship.

Keep communication open and honest
Speaking about your feelings is important.  It is only through communication that women and men are able to let each other know of any new boundaries they have and to express their expectations. Even a couple who have been together for many years, still need to communicate to ensure that they are on the same page. Couples should never just 'assume' that their partner knows what they are feeling and thinking.

Create your own time line
Forget the six week mark!  Allow couples to decide when they are ready to re-engage in intercourse.  Take things slowly. Rushing into sex can be painful, uncomfortable and disasterous for a couple in both the short and long term. Be aware that pressure creates resentment and resentment fuels anger ... and angry women do not desire sex. Understand also that women need even more time to relax and become sexually aroused.

Be Creative
Explore non sexual ways to be intimate. Be understanding. A lack of desire for sex is not a rejection! If physical closeness is important - kiss, hug, snuggle, massage and hold hands. 

Time and Space
Create time and space each day just for yourself (both women and men). Indulge in sensual activities (that is activities that stimulate touch, taste, smell, sight and sound) that help you reconnect with yourself or to rediscover a new you. Connect  with yourself as a sensual being before attempting to touch another. Make this point to your partner and ask them for help in creating this  'me' time and space.

We recommend our premium article “Healing Helpers” which has an extensive list of tips for a great birth and  natural remedies for healing afterwards. "Healing Helpers" is a collection of  women's wisdom that we look forward to bringing you in early October.

If you found this article helpful, considering purchasing our eBook "Reclaim Sex After Birth."