When we experience fear, our body reacts by releasing adrenalin. Adrenalin is a call to arms that our body recognises in the fight or flight response. The body redirects blood away from ‘non essential’ organs to essential ones that enable us to action - either to run away or to stand and flight. The release of oxytocin, the hormone connected with sexual activity and orgasm, is blocked by adrenalin. In labour, this interaction between oxytocin and adrenalin can cause labour to slow or stop entirely, make it more painful and difficult to cope with (this article by Dr Sarah J Buckley explains the hormonal blueprint for birth).
If we are carrying any fears around sex, then you can be sure that when the time comes, blood will not rush to the errogenous zones of your body. Rather than wanting to get up close and personal, your body is thinking of making war - not love, or of hiding away where it is safe.
Acknowledging and accepting that we have fears, concerns and worries around re-engaging in a sexual relationship is an important first step.
Over the space of a few months I came to understand that I had fears, what they were and where they were coming from. However it took a long time before I realised that my partner wasn’t a mind reader, and I needed to have the courage to articulate my fears directly to him - I needed to tell him what I was feeling. Only when I discussed my fears him, was he able to understand what was psychologically and emotionally fueling my need to say ‘no’ to sex.
It’s important to also remember, that not just women that have fears, men have them also.
What fears did you have about resuming a sexual relationship with your partner? Did you broach them with you partner? How did you personally move through the fears? How did you together, as a couple, more through them? What fears (If any) do you still hold ?
Everyone’s experiences make them an expert in their own right - so what is right for one couple may not be appropriate for another. Having sex after giving birth may either be very exciting or very anxiety provoking, or both. There are just as many women who feel that they are ready soon after birthing than there is who ‘put it off’ sometimes for months afterwards.
Most couples wait for the magical 6 week mark and are dreadfully disappointed when that incredible pre birth sex doesn’t happen. The physical facts are that within six weeks of birthing, your uterus should be back to its pre-pregnancy weight and size. Breastfeeding assists in stimulating the hormones released around this function. This is the reason that you are meant to have a six week check up and then are medically are ‘fit’ to commence intimate relations. Ignored and unaddressed are the emotional and psychological changes that have occurred.
For many women, the desire that they once had simply isn’t there. This is due to a myriad of reasons and can often be a complex matter to uncover.
Reasons for decreased desire
- Hormones: Desire for Sex and intimate touching or proximity is often diminished after birth due to decreased hormone levels. This may be particularly true for breastfeeding mothers, where the hormonal suppression can last months. Hormone levels rapidly decrease after birthing, and dependant upon your health, may fall contributing to PND and adjustment issues.
- Fatigue: Fatigue is a major factor. The baby is waking up at all hours, leaving you physically and mentally exhausted.
- Time: The opportunity just isn’t there. Life is suddenly changed to the point of chaos. This is particularly distressing for those mothers ( pick me!) who had been used to living their lives on a schedule and with a diary in hand.
- Body Image: Sometimes women and men feel differently about the woman’s body after she gives birth. Showing your love and support are especially during the first few months of being a parent. Remember you love each other. Remember to say so.
- Anxiety: Many women feel anxiety about the pain they might experience. Sex may be uncomfortable at the beginning, due to stress, stitches, healing and bruising. Your perineum may be very tender long after the six-week. Especially if you are breastfeeding, you may experience vaginal dryness due to lack of hormones.
You and your partner need to communicate about any issues that concern you, and only engage in sex when you both feel ready. You may want to explore other avenues of making love aside from sexual intercourse, such as oral sex or mutual masturbation, until both of you feel comfortable with intercourse.
For more indepth information on a range of related topics go to our website http://reclaimsexafterbirth.com
or buy our ebook!
A free chapter is available here ‘The Post Birth Body’
or for you can find the comprehensive table of contents here
We started this e-book and set of articles with the intention of exploring how women could reclaim and rediscover their space and sexuality after birthing. However, we have had so much response from men - desperate in many ways - to understand what is going on in their loved ones muddled head, make sense of the highs and lows and reaching out to make contact again - but confused at how to even start.
I have begun to collect some wisdom and the entries below are in no way complete – so I would encourage you to post your reaction and suggestions to this. Its our intention to formulate this into a 5 steps to intimacy article or something similar..
MEN SO FAR HAVE CONTRIBUTED THIS WISDOM…………………………………
- Firstly, its easy to work you way into a rut. If you’re not having sex on a regular basis – then you and your partner are nothing more than room mates or good friends who happen to have shared children.
- There is no value in sulking or making demands unless you are both speaking the same language – have the same outcomes – so communication is the first step. Tell her how you are feeling. Ask her how she is feeling. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things you’d like your relationship to look like.
- Plan fun, (nearly) spontaneous activities – make a list of these and have little packs ready to go for these activities.
- Women love to plan things and its in the planning stage that they become consumed with the details and the research. You can also plan a sexual adventure – but lets keep this to family friendly activities just now!
- Simple things like picnics in your garden – or in a nearby park, near the water or on top of a building – surprising places.
- Explore different types of restaurants – ones you may not have been to or experienced. – be adventurous. An expensive restaurant is not an automatic turn on – its about the experience and the meaning behind it.
- Write notes, cards and little letters and leave them in unexpected places. Something short and meaningful – from the heart. Have a stock pile of them and hide them around the house etc at different intervals. Sned emails and texts with messages telling her how much you appreciate and love her. Text saucy messages – be specific ( I love your shell like ears – so tasty to nibble.. etc)
- Gifts aught to be inexpensive –not cheap. It is about the thought and the gesture – not the amount of money spent of the quantity of the item (eg flowers) specialty chocolates can be bought a piece at a time- wrap it in ribbon or in a little box.
- When in public, make an expression of real affection – holding hands and quick squeeze of the knee in a café or in the movies and speak only positively about her if she is there – or absent.
- Get a diary or a calendar and mark in important dates – like valentines day, her birthday, anniversary, childrens and relatives birthdays remembered also get big kudos.
Once the romance is reignited, the intimacy set again, then it can be further explored in the bedroom ( or outdoors!!)
Please feel free to post your suggestions on how men can get in touch with thier lovers again.
