When we experience fear, our body reacts by releasing adrenalin. Adrenalin is a call to arms that our body recognises in the fight or flight response. The body redirects blood away from ‘non essential’ organs to essential ones that enable us to action - either to run away or to stand and flight. The release of oxytocin, the hormone connected with sexual activity and orgasm, is blocked by adrenalin. In labour, this interaction between oxytocin and adrenalin can cause labour to slow or stop entirely, make it more painful and difficult to cope with (this article by Dr Sarah J Buckley explains the hormonal blueprint for birth).
If we are carrying any fears around sex, then you can be sure that when the time comes, blood will not rush to the errogenous zones of your body. Rather than wanting to get up close and personal, your body is thinking of making war - not love, or of hiding away where it is safe.
Acknowledging and accepting that we have fears, concerns and worries around re-engaging in a sexual relationship is an important first step.
Over the space of a few months I came to understand that I had fears, what they were and where they were coming from. However it took a long time before I realised that my partner wasn’t a mind reader, and I needed to have the courage to articulate my fears directly to him - I needed to tell him what I was feeling. Only when I discussed my fears him, was he able to understand what was psychologically and emotionally fueling my need to say ‘no’ to sex.
It’s important to also remember, that not just women that have fears, men have them also.
What fears did you have about resuming a sexual relationship with your partner? Did you broach them with you partner? How did you personally move through the fears? How did you together, as a couple, more through them? What fears (If any) do you still hold ?
Everyone’s experiences make them an expert in their own right - so what is right for one couple may not be appropriate for another. Having sex after giving birth may either be very exciting or very anxiety provoking, or both. There are just as many women who feel that they are ready soon after birthing than there is who ‘put it off’ sometimes for months afterwards.
Most couples wait for the magical 6 week mark and are dreadfully disappointed when that incredible pre birth sex doesn’t happen. The physical facts are that within six weeks of birthing, your uterus should be back to its pre-pregnancy weight and size. Breastfeeding assists in stimulating the hormones released around this function. This is the reason that you are meant to have a six week check up and then are medically are ‘fit’ to commence intimate relations. Ignored and unaddressed are the emotional and psychological changes that have occurred.
For many women, the desire that they once had simply isn’t there. This is due to a myriad of reasons and can often be a complex matter to uncover.
Reasons for decreased desire
- Hormones: Desire for Sex and intimate touching or proximity is often diminished after birth due to decreased hormone levels. This may be particularly true for breastfeeding mothers, where the hormonal suppression can last months. Hormone levels rapidly decrease after birthing, and dependant upon your health, may fall contributing to PND and adjustment issues.
- Fatigue: Fatigue is a major factor. The baby is waking up at all hours, leaving you physically and mentally exhausted.
- Time: The opportunity just isn’t there. Life is suddenly changed to the point of chaos. This is particularly distressing for those mothers ( pick me!) who had been used to living their lives on a schedule and with a diary in hand.
- Body Image: Sometimes women and men feel differently about the woman’s body after she gives birth. Showing your love and support are especially during the first few months of being a parent. Remember you love each other. Remember to say so.
- Anxiety: Many women feel anxiety about the pain they might experience. Sex may be uncomfortable at the beginning, due to stress, stitches, healing and bruising. Your perineum may be very tender long after the six-week. Especially if you are breastfeeding, you may experience vaginal dryness due to lack of hormones.
You and your partner need to communicate about any issues that concern you, and only engage in sex when you both feel ready. You may want to explore other avenues of making love aside from sexual intercourse, such as oral sex or mutual masturbation, until both of you feel comfortable with intercourse.
For more indepth information on a range of related topics go to our website http://reclaimsexafterbirth.com
or buy our ebook!
A free chapter is available here ‘The Post Birth Body’
or for you can find the comprehensive table of contents here
Especially with first babies, women can have a tendency to make their baby the centre of their universe. This often leaves little time to focus on, or be with their partner. This drought in every day intimacy and attention flows on to a coital hiatus. Nature, it seems, planned on this to ensure that babies are well looked after and future pregnancies are spaced out. The ‘drought’ can come from either partner and the disinterest in sex and intimacy, stems from a number of issues and conditions, which sadly is not discussed by even the closest of friends, much less the medical fraternity or the media. Read the rest of the article
