When we experience fear, our body reacts by releasing adrenalin. Adrenalin is a call to arms that our body recognises in the fight or flight response. The body redirects blood away from ‘non essential’ organs to essential ones that enable us to action - either to run away or to stand and flight. The release of oxytocin, the hormone connected with sexual activity and orgasm, is blocked by adrenalin. In labour, this interaction between oxytocin and adrenalin can cause labour to slow or stop entirely, make it more painful and difficult to cope with (this article by Dr Sarah J Buckley explains the hormonal blueprint for birth).
If we are carrying any fears around sex, then you can be sure that when the time comes, blood will not rush to the errogenous zones of your body. Rather than wanting to get up close and personal, your body is thinking of making war - not love, or of hiding away where it is safe.
Acknowledging and accepting that we have fears, concerns and worries around re-engaging in a sexual relationship is an important first step.
Over the space of a few months I came to understand that I had fears, what they were and where they were coming from. However it took a long time before I realised that my partner wasn’t a mind reader, and I needed to have the courage to articulate my fears directly to him - I needed to tell him what I was feeling. Only when I discussed my fears him, was he able to understand what was psychologically and emotionally fueling my need to say ‘no’ to sex.
It’s important to also remember, that not just women that have fears, men have them also.
What fears did you have about resuming a sexual relationship with your partner? Did you broach them with you partner? How did you personally move through the fears? How did you together, as a couple, more through them? What fears (If any) do you still hold ?
This is tough to generalize as – everyone is different; their emotional, psychological and physical needs all heal and grow at differing rates – especially after such an incredible emotional rollercoaster such as birthing ( This is for men and women) Although you are asking about whether the vagina will change and it ’seems’ to be just a physical thing - there is so much more wrapped up with this part of the body that you can’t separate the other senses.
However - to answer it straight - yes it does change -even if you have a c section - though birthing naturally will obviously ensure your vagina undergoes some dramatic shape changes– but it can be for the better.The physical facts are that your vagina will change in shape and firmness - this can be remedied and supported - through the pelvic floor ex - and look up Ben Wa balls - inserted for short periods to strengthen those muscles.( ensure you source surgical standard stainless steel ones)
You mentioned you like the way yours is at the moment and I am hazarding you mean the sensitivity and feelings you experience? - again - the physical and the emotional are hard to separate – I can’t stress the importance of some good pelvic floor exercises and/ or the Ben Wa balls
The emotional facts are a bit hazyer - your role has changed from lover to mother and many women find it hard to accept that they can be both. You need to reconnect with yourself as a sensual being before exploring another’s body and fully enjoying sex like you used to
Partners in the relationship dictate the boundaries and expectations of your sex life –and yes – the exhaustion – both physically, mentally and emotionally may cause some tension on your usual good nature/ playfulness and libido.
It all stems on your birth experience and the damage ( physically and mentally) that you have endured and the meanings you place upon those experiences in relation to sex. If you are still pregnant – great! You have time now to talk about expectations, fears and be equipped with a solid understanding of where each person is coming from. Sort all of this out before the incredible journey as a new parent takes hold. My advice is to keep an open and honest communication link with your partner and take things slowly – with little pressure – and connect again with yourself as a sensual being, before attempting to touch another.
Reclaiming your sexuality can be a wonderful adventure – so don’t treat it as a chore or something that you just gotta do – enjoy the journey!
What alot of people don’t realize is that they are craving affection and sensuality rather than the actual physical act of sex. There are many ways of showing your affection, maintaining the connection with your partner and having sexual contact with your partner, without having penetrative vaginal sex. Physical affection includes hugging and cuddling, holding hands, kissing - and ensuring that we tell our partners that we love them. Communicating your needs and encouraging your partner to communicate his are also important. Explore alternatives to vaginal sex while you allow your body to rest, heal and recover from birth (it takes up to and sometimes longer than 12 months for the a woman’s body to fully recover from birth).
