Most couples do not plan to live separate lives, but once set adrift, often existing in separate time zones due to child raising responsibilities and work schedules, it is easy to allow that drift to take you to a state of complacently. It takes courage to recognize that you do not want to be part of the statistics and to reconnect with your partner. Love is a verb. Its something that you do for others and for yourself and as such is not stagnant, but ever changing, growing and alive; needing tending and nurturing. Sadly, it is often those closest to us, in particular our intimate relationships which bears the brunt of neglect. If you fail to nurture your relationship, you’ll poison your intimacy.
Intimacy is a two-way street and as such requires both parties to be responsible for the steps toward reclaiming rekindling and reclaiming that special space. It’s important to understand that relationships evolve over time, with peoples perceptions, expectations and desires changing with every experience they encounter. Issues of intimacy are often caused by one or more of these reasons.
1. Physical appearance suffering because of low self esteem
2. Emotional needs being unmet
3. Underlying fears preventing a close intimate relationship
Low Self Esteem
Even the most beautiful or talented person can suffer low self esteem. Major lifestyle changes (such as birthing, marriage, job changes, deaths in family) can provide the source; along with hormonal changes as contributing factors. Low self esteem creates a lack of interest in the care of self, often leading to a vicious cycle of appearance changes. Although physical attraction plays a predominant part in intimacy; it goes much deeper than a thin veneer of physicality. Not only must you love yourself, but you must be open to being loved; before another can love you. Your partner will be attracted to your spirit and confidence and this overshines any physicality. This will take a bit of self discovery in uncovering the culprits responsible for your low self esteem; to acknowledge and disperse them.
Unmet emotional needs
If your partners emotional needs are being ignored or unfulfilled then it is doubtful that you would enjoy a satisfying intimate relationship. Often these emotional needs have very little to do with sexual fulfillment; however your intimate relationship will always bear the brunt of everything else that is failing in the relationship first. Investigate each others emotional needs and options available to fulfill these on a consistent basis. Explore opportunities to make your partner feel completely masculine/ feminine and allow them to shine in their confidence.
Fears
It is difficult for both men and women to establish a close bond and intimacy where there is fear. Frequently, these fears and insecurities cause jealousy, control and withdrawal, all of which undermine the very foundation of your partner’s emotional needs. Fears undermine the emotional connection between partners. Its only through open communication and exploring one another’s fears that they may be met together and either defeated or mitigated.
Communication is the Key
One of the first steps towards rekindling the flame of passion in your intimate relationship is to open the doors of communication. Most couples early recollections of dating will entail a great deal of talking. It allows pathways to solve frustrations, recognize emotional needs and form joint objectives within the relationship.
For Intimacy, pillow talk is a great place to start communicating. Set rules whereby no housework, talk of children or work can take place. Start talking about when you first met, what attracted you to the other, the qualities you have seen grow and mature as you have known them. Talk about your worries and fears, about each other physically remembering to smile and touch one another – perhaps stroking the hair or face or on the arms.
There is no denying that a marriage or lifelong partnership is set apart from close friendships and relationships through intimacy and the sexual act. Secrets and bonding is shared amongst the closest of girlfriends; shared experiences and trust with the close friends; housework, child rearing and domestic duties can be undertaken by hired help or by people who share your house and not necessarily your bed.
Intimacy starts and stops with physical touch. If you want to rekindle the flame, begin with public displays of affection – holding hands, brushing a hand along your partners arm, a smoldering look of promise a special glace of love. At the beginning, especially for those who hold fear with intimacy, there must be no intention or expectation of sexual follow ons. Very often the only physical attention a couple will have together is at night in bed with a quick goodnight kiss or cuddle. There is then the expectation for many that this will lead to sex and rejections are often taken as personal insults and affronts. Keep the space uncluttered with expectations and allow for innocent and genuine affection at any time of the day. With time and trust, daytime shows of affection tends to lead to a deeper level intimacy later on.
The key to re-igniting the flame is not to embark on a mission of romanticism but to focus on consistency. Not only through clear communication and physical touch, but by restoring unmet emotional needs. Although appetites for physical intimacy may ebb and flow over time, the important thing is always to remember is the love and shared history you share along with the willingness to consistently tend the intimacy flame.
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date night at home on a Thursday night. The kids are usually tucked away in bed by 7.15 or so - which leave a large part of the evening just for us. The TV is banned - as is the “quick look” at emails or talk of paperwork, jobs or housework.
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